One More Sports-Climate Change Moon Shot Idea: “It’s About NOTHING!”

It’s the finale — Day V of GreenSportsBlog’s #EarthWeek Extravaganza! In case you missed them, here are links to our first four posts of the week.

And now, for post five…

 

In Monday’s GreenSportsBlog, ten Green-Sports All-Stars — plus yours truly — offered up big, audacious Moon Shot-type ideas on how sports can take on climate change. One more idea from a group of three friends came in too late to make the original piece.

I thought the idea had merit and decided to post it here.

 


“Everybody’s giving away something…We’re going to give away NOTHING!”

Jerry Seinfeld Standup Comedian 

George Costanza New York Yankees Assistant to the Traveling Secretary

Kramer ???

 

SCENE 1

LOCATION: The Coffee Shop

Jerry, somewhat downcast, sits at the gang’s regular booth nursing a coffee; George walks in enthusiastically and sits down opposite Jerry

 

JERRY: Hey…

GEORGE: Hey…Got your message! You got a gig in Philadelphia? Philly’s a great town but what’s the deal with the Liberty Bell? I mean can’t they fix the crack? It’s been 240-odd years already! There’s gotta be somethin’ for that. Anyway, tell me, tell me.

JERRY: I don’t know; my crazy agent got me a spot at a convention, a trade show…

GEORGE: Look, I know it’s not “The Tonight Show” but, really, I’m amazed you’ve been able to make it so long talking about [IMITATING JERRY] ‘where do the socks go after you put them in the dryer? What’s the deal with THAT?’ [RETURNS TO BEING GEORGE] You had a good run, my friend. Beggars can’t be choosers! So what convention is it?

JERRY: That’s the thing. It’s something called the Green Sports Alliance Summit. A group concerned with the intersection of sports and the environment? What’s the deal with THAT?!?

GEORGE: [Snaps fingers excitedly] Wait a second, Jerry…I know that outfit! The Yankees are a part of it! It’s a big deal, actually. Sports teams and stadiums are trying have been going green for awhile now! Solar panels, energy efficient lights. We compost and recycle virtually all of our food waste at Yankee Stadium. And get this: There’s this minor league soccer team in England that mows the lawn with a solar powered Mo-Bot. Hey, I could see Kramer getting involved with a solar powered MoBot…[LAUGHS]

JERRY: [WRY EXPRESSION]: If you want that MoBot to run amok, Kramer’s your man. [EXASPERATED]: Anyway I have no idea what to say to these Green Sports Alliance people!! I got nothin’ George, nothin’! You gotta help me!

GEORGE: Don’t worry, Jerry! I’ve got this. We’ve got this. Hey, this is just like the old days…

JERRY: How so?

GEORGE: You know, when we worked together. As a team.

JERRY: When was that?

GEORGE: You know, a looooong time ago, in the early 90s. When we pitched that sitcom idea to NBC.

JERRY: [LAUGHING] Oh yeah…your idea was ‘The Show About Nothing’. We met with  Russell Dalrymple, President of NBC and you said…’every sitcom is about something, we’re going to do NOTHING!’ 

GEORGE: [HARKENING BACK TO THEIR BRAINSTORM 25+ YEARS EARLIER]: I know. I asked Russell, ‘So, what did you do today?’

JERRY: [AS DALRYMPLE]…’Woke up, had breakfast, went to work.’

GEORGE: ‘THAT’S A SHOW!’

JERRY: About nothing! Which is what I’ve got for Philly.

[FADE TO COMMERCIAL]

 

George & Jerry

George Costanza and Jerry Seinfeld discuss their idea (Photo credit: NBC)

 

 

George and Jerry pitch “The Show About Nothing” to NBC (2 minutes 34 seconds)

 

SCENE 2

LOCATION: Jerry’s Apartment, Jerry and George sit on the couch, each with a legal pad, both tired. Clearly they’ve been working for a long time.

JERRY: George, I just can’t imagine doing a comedy routine about the environment and especially climate change.

[KRAMER bounds in without knocking, joins the conversation without missing a beat]

KRAMER: Oh, climate change is a biiiiiiig problem! It’s cut the season for the Mackinaw Peaches from two weeks down to two days! Two DAYS Jerry!

 

The Mackinaw Peaches (44 seconds)

 

JERRY: That’s the least of it. If the reports I read are right, the effects of climate change are going to be calamitous on a global scale. As far as I can tell, there’s nothing funny about climate change.

GEORGE: [SNAPS TO ALERTNESS] Jerry, say that again?

JERRY: Say what again? There’s nothing funny about climate change?

GEORGE: [SPRINGS TO HIS FEET!] That’s IT!

JERRY: That’s what?

GEORGE: Nothing comes to the rescue again!!!

JERRY: What are you talking about?

GEORGE: Just this: Remember “everybody’s doing something, we’re gonna do NOTHING!”?

JERRY: Yeah, so??

GEORGE: Well, OK, at all these conferences and trade shows, the vendors and the event producer — in this case, the Green Sports Alliance — gives out lots of swag bags.

KRAMER: A SWAAAAG bag! [DISGUSTED] YEAH!!!

GEORGE: …Filled with something, lots of something. Stuff people never use.

JERRY: Oh I know those swag bags. Pens, note pads. Oh and they always give out lots of coasters. What’s the deal with all those coasters?

KRAMER: All that stuff just ends up in the trash, Jerry! Goes to the landfill, takes thousands of years to degrade! Jerry, the Green Sports Alliance needs to go swag-less in Philly! It’s time to BAG THE SWAG…BAG!

 

Screen Shot 2019-04-25 at 7.48.30 PM

George shows his disdain for swag bags as Kramer and Jerry look on (Photo credit: NBC)

 

JERRY: I get it! Instead of a swag bag worth of something…

GEORGE: …The GSA will give out NOTHING!!!

JERRY: George, I think you’ve got something there…

KRAMER: [IN ANNOUNCER VOICE] You can save 15 percent or more on carbon emissions when you BAG THE SWAG BAG!

[FADE TO BLACK]

 

 


 

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